As leaves, old
cigarettes, liquor bottle tops, and condom wrappers all were crushed by
Christina’s size 7 wheat colored Timberland boot, her day began to take shape.
Her long hair flowed underneath her Chicago Bulls snapback while her leather
jacket was zipped to the top showing that the impending cold of the fall
garnered more of her respect than individuals of her life. Her 5’3” frame may
have been lost in the fray of individuals walking up and down McArthur
Boulevard but her work ethic was unmatched by many. She had mastered her
routine of slapping fives with the strung out junkies that lived to see her as
she provided them with the green or white poison, whichever was clever for
their desires. Christina’s movements were so patterned by routine that she
didn’t even feel the knife wound or
the ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE BLOWS
from stomps to her back from the Air Jordan XIIs….
-David Larry
I really like the last line of this excerpt that you have provided. I do think you are off to a great start, I definitely can see the imagery take form. There are just a couple of out of place images, like "flowed underneath her snapback" how is it flowing when it is underneath? Just a bit more clarification would help. Think about word choice and how does it affect the readers reading of it. Do you want it to be a more modern slang type of piece or serious? I'm wondering who is the speaker and what you want your audience to get out of the story.
ReplyDeleteI like the image of the five blows.
I'm curious and anxious to read more :)
Hope that helps!
You really helped a lot with this comment and I'm more than appreciative that you took the time to comment. With the hair flowing, I thought it was the imagery of her hair flowing in the wind so perhaps I should change it to blowing but I'm going to post an outline of what is it to come in the story so be on the lookout. Thanks again!
ReplyDelete